teaming up
Skills
My Beach, Your Beach
& the Lagoon: A Marriage Skill
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Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to fix your partner, manage their emotions, or low-key orchestrate their healing journey like a spiritual puppet master.
(Mine’s up too, babe.)
But here’s the hard truth I had to learn the sweaty, mascara-smudged way: You can’t heal your marriage by managing someone else’s beach.
That’s where the My Beach skill changed everything for me.
Don't abandon your beach
What Is the “My Beach” Marriage Skill?
It’s a metaphor. But baby, it’s a powerful one.
Your beach is everything you can actually control—your thoughts, your actions, your growth, your healing.
Their beach? That’s your partner’s responsibility. Their choices. Their emotions. Their healing.
The lagoon? That’s the sacred space between your two beaches—the space of connection, collaboration, intimacy.
When you try to hop onto their beach and rearrange the seashells, guess what? You abandon your own.
And everything starts to unravel.
Are we actually helping?
Why We Try to Control Our Partner’s Beach
Because it feels easier than dealing with our own discomfort. If I can just fix him, maybe I won’t have to feel this.
Sometimes we think we’re helping. We say things like, “You should get your car looked at,” or “You need to talk to your boss.” We offer unsolicited advice—not to be rude, but because we’re scared. We want things to go well for them… and if we’re honest, we don’t fully trust that they’ll figure it out on their own.
But guess what? Most of the time, it’s not necessary. And it can feel more like control than support.
We don’t ask. We don’t suggest. We tell. And when they push back or ignore it, we double down. Cue the frustration. Cue the disconnect.
The “nagging wife” trope? It’s rooted in this very dynamic. We carry this belief that if we don’t manage everything, things won’t get done. But all that does is drain our energy and erode intimacy.
We create our own misery through worry.
“My Beach” reminds us: stay on your own paper. Tend your own garden. Take responsibility for your energy, your dreams, your purpose. And trust—really trust—that your partner is capable of doing the same.
Celebrate them when they do. Support, don’t steer. That’s where the magic is.
It’s a trauma response, not a character flaw.
We learned to manage, fix, hustle for love. But that’s not intimacy. That’s emotional burnout.. If I can just fix him, maybe I won’t have to feel this.
It’s a trauma response, not a character flaw.
We learned to manage, fix, hustle for love. But that’s not intimacy. That’s emotional burnout.
When you start focusing on your beach, your energy shifts from fear to freedom.
According to Psychology Today, healthy emotional boundaries are essential for lasting connection. “My Beach” gives you that boundary in a way your nervous system can actually understand.
How to Stay on Your Own Beach
(Even when its hard!)
Ask: “Is this mine to carry?”
Breathe. Regulate yourself before reacting.
Journal. Let your triggers lead you to deeper truth.
Pray. Invite God to help you stay centered.
And when you feel yourself sneaking over to their side? Pause. Turn back to your beach. Tend your heart.
Real-Life Example:
Coach Daegan Learns the Hard Way
There was a season I was emotionally dragging James through every spiritual insight, coaching tool, and Bible verse I could find. I thought I was helping.
Really, I was over-functioning.
One night he said, “Babe, I love you. But I feel like a project.”
Oof.
So I stopped. I turned back to my beach. And I started asking God, “What’s my work right now?”
The peace that followed? Wild. Because suddenly, I wasn’t exhausted and resentful. I was grounded.
And that grounded energy? That’s what drew James back toward me.
Let's Love Eachother Better
Where Healing Happens: The Lagoon
When you both tend your own beaches, you meet in the lagoon.
This is the space of shared joy, intimacy, and connection. Not because one of you is managing both sides, but because you’ve both come home to yourselves.
You’re not dragging each other. You’re dancing in divine partnership.
Want Support Staying on Your Beach?
It’s not easy. But it is holy.
If you want guidance, I’d love to walk beside you. Book a free 1-on-1 coaching session or come join us at a healing couples retreat. This is the work we do. And it’s powerful.
FAQ
What if my partner is always on my beach?
If they’re meddling, micromanaging, or controlling, gently name it. “Hey, that feels like you’re on my beach. Can I handle this?” Then redirect with love.
What if my partner fails without my help?
You may need to let them. It’s hard. But your role is not rescuer. It’s supporter. Let their growth be their responsibility.
How do I stop myself from managing everything?
Start by noticing the urge. Pause. Breathe. Ask, “Is this mine or theirs?” Get support if needed—we often do this out of old fear or wounding.
Can we still be close if I stay on my beach?
Yes—especially then. The lagoon only exists when two whole people meet with love, not control.
Isn’t this just emotional detachment?
Not at all. This isn’t stepping away—it’s stepping into your rightful power. Healthy boundaries aren’t walls—they’re sacred clarity.
What if I feel guilty when I stop trying to help?
Guilt is a sign you’re breaking old habits. Let it come and go. You’re not abandoning love—you’re learning to trust it more deeply.
